


Daffodil Lament

by LoveofEscapism



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Ben Solo Owns a Flower Shop, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship/Love, Language of Flowers, Mental Health Issues, Mention of Death, Mentions of Cancer, Mentions of terminal illness, Rey is Suicidal, SAD TRAIN THAT ENDS IN HOPEFULNESS, Sad with a Happy Ending, Small Mention of Rey with Hux, Soft boi Ben Solo, Suicidal Thoughts, The Cranberries, daffodils
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 14:33:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18317195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveofEscapism/pseuds/LoveofEscapism
Summary: Normally, when she pictured it, she didn’t really care how people would feel after she died, she knew no one would care. But Ben, telling her she is his friend, opening up to her…she imagined him finding out, she knew he would be upset.She just hated knowing that she was going to cause him pain.She needed to end this, and sooner rather than later.Based off the song "Daffodil Lament" by The Cranberries <3





	Daffodil Lament

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AlbaStarGazer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlbaStarGazer/gifts).



> Happy Friendiversary to my other half, [AlbaStarGazer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlbaStarGazer/pseuds/AlbaStarGazer)  
> this is for you!
> 
> Each week of April, a new Reylo one-shot will be added to your song book! I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> This is based on the song "Daffodil Lament" by The Cranberries, it is a beautiful, haunting song that you can listen to [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8qgR2BAxIg)  
> <3
> 
> Massive thank you to my beta [fettuccine_alfreylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fettuccine_alfreylo/pseuds/fettuccine_alfreylo)  
> who was amazing and helped me so much with this.
> 
> Please see the tags, suicide is widely mentioned in this fic, with Rey struggling and very close to taking her own life. 
> 
> Thanks x
> 
> Update: Holly made me this stunning art for the fic, which I have added below <3

**Daffodil Lament**

 

****

 

_Holdin' on_

_That's what I do, since I met you_

_And it won't be long_

_Would you notice, if I left you?_

_And it's fine for some_

_Cause you're not the one, you're not the one_

_There_

_There, there, there_

_There, there_

****** **

Numb.

That’s the only word that could describe her current state of mind because it was better, better than _feeling_. Feeling was what brought on the hurt, the realisation she was nothing, nothing special. Depression had been something Rey had always struggled with, as young as thirteen years old she had this overpowering feeling that she just didn’t fit in this world. Like she had been born at the wrong place and the wrong time. And she was just...stuck.

Of course, there wasn’t much she could do about that, except end it. Take away the life that was given to her. She wondered if anyone would even care. She didn’t have a family that would miss her. She didn’t even have a job, friends…anything. Even her boyfriend, Hux, she was sure wouldn’t even notice. He didn’t notice anything that wasn’t his phone. She never questioned why. What was the point? The answers would only make things even worse. Instead, Rey buried her head in the sand, the small grains scraping against her skin angrily.

She’d never been enough for anyone; not her family that had thrown her away when she was just a child. Nor any acquaintances that she had made over the years; each person never wanting to hang out with her past the usual hellos. Armitage had been different, once upon a time. Though, even then, she hadn’t been stupid enough to think she would ever be his world. Instead, she was his bedfellow, the person he showed off on his arm at all the fundraisers they attended; a trophy, one that he didn’t give two shits about. ******  
** ** **

“What do you want for dinner?” she asked, trying to gain even an inch of his attention.

“Not hungry. Going out later,” he mumbled in response.

Conversation over. He hadn’t even looked up from his phone, hadn’t even uttered a greeting when she walked in the room. It was as if she was invisible. She might as well be. Rey knew she wasn’t anything great to look at. She dressed in a way that gave the idea she didn’t actually want to be noticed. Dark, boring colours, baggy tops and ripped jeans. That was her go to.

If she had even a modicum of a backbone, she probably would have up and left him a few years ago. The thing was, she didn’t see the point. There wasn’t anything out there in the world for her. There never had been. Never would be. She was at peace with the fact. Rey was lost at sea; floating, accepting her fate.

Hux wasn’t the one. He wasn’t even close. He was a means to an end. _Easy_ . He didn’t question her when she went on her long walks or decided to get so drunk she would pass out in her own vomit. He didn’t care. And she liked it better that way. Caring meant that she would have to talk about her feelings, explain why she felt the way she did. She wasn’t ready to share that with anyone, not until it was too late.  ******  
** ** **

Suicide had been on her mind on and off for years. A comfortable thought that made her feel lighter; that it would be easy just to leave this world and forget all of the hardships. It was an option she contemplated almost daily, feeling a sense of happiness and excitement at the thought of not actually being here. It would sure as hell make things simpler for her.  ******  
** ** **

Well aware of how wrong that was didn’t change her mind. It only made her even more certain of the fact that one day it would end that way. She didn’t want to be here. And the thing was, she didn’t have to be. It was picking the right time that mattered. Deciding how to do it. The little details kept her up at night.  ******  
** ** **

Needing some fresh air, and also to get the fuck away from him, she stood up, not saying a word as she walked to the door, quickly putting on her jacket as she walked outside and into the rain. It was beautiful, a cleansing of such; the small drops of water falling on her skin and reminding her that there was some sort of beauty in this messed up world. She could walk for hours like this, no destination in mind. It was the one thing she thought she would miss if she was gone… well, that and the owner of the small flower shop down the street. ******  
** ** **

* * *

 

_All night long, laid on my pillow_

_These things are wrong_

_I can't sleep here_

_So lovely_

_So lovely_

_So lovely_

 

“You’re early,” the deep voice of Ben Solo called out to her as she walked into his flower shop. It was barely past six-thirty am, and the shop wasn’t actually opened yet, but that had never stopped her before.

 She smiled softly, trying her hardest not to stare at him, but as always, completely failing. He was handsome. She still noticed, even after seeing him once a week for the last six months. Not that he would ever be interested in someone like her and more importantly, Rey herself had nothing to offer him. His light wasn’t to be tarnished by someone as fucked up as her. Still, she clung to whatever happiness she could, and that came from him.  

“Couldn’t sleep,” she replied simply, holding out a coffee for him.

“You angel,” he replied, taking the large cup from her hands and sipping. “Even got my order right.” 

“Damn straight, you didn’t let me live it down the last time.” 

“Green tea, Rey. Do you blame me? Do I look like a green tea sorta guy?” he raised his eyebrows at her, a smirk on his face.

“Green thumb, green tea,” she laughed in response.

 What she really wanted to say was that she wasn’t sure what kinda guy he looked like. Different, for sure, maybe not classically handsome, but that’s what made him stand out. He was tall, really fucking tall, with dark hair that framed his face. His eyes were deep, always watching, intense, but Rey found she liked that about him. He never gave much away, his expression almost always straight, unless of course she made a rude comment and he laughed so hard he snorted. Ben was rather pale, with small moles speckled across his angular face. He’d called her an angel, but she thought it was the other way about. He had this glow about him that made her want to stay on this earth a little bit longer. 

She’d walked into the shop on the off chance six months ago, and now here she was, every Tuesday morning coming in and buying one single daffodil. At the start, her and Ben hadn’t talked much. He would just watch her quizzically as she walked around the shop, looking at all the extravagant flowers, smelling them, enjoying them, but still she always bought the exact same thing.

Finally, after a few months, he’d asked her why she always bought the same thing and why it was never a bunch of them, just one single bloom. She told him it was because one lone daffodil represented misfortune, and she kind of liked the idea of bringing misfortune on herself. At the time, she hadn’t exactly imagined that he would respond, but he had, laughing heartily and telling her she was something else entirely and she liked that, because he was right. From there, an easy friendship had formed. 

“I like to think I’m not that transparent.” Ben took another long drink from his cup and then smiled at her again, softly, in the way she liked best.

 He knew about most things in her life. She didn’t have any reason to hide from him. He was well aware of the issues she had in her head. Of the things that she felt. The first time they had spoken about it he had tried to help. She remembered taking his hand, how rough and large it felt as her fingers struggled to wrap around it. She told him she didn’t want his pity, his help, any of the bullshit he was going to spout at her, instead she just wanted him to listen and understand. And he did.

“You enjoyed the green tea, don’t deny it.”  

“Hmmm, if you say so.”

“I do.”

He smiled again, his crooked teeth on show, which only made him even more endearing. Their friendship was easy. Seeing him was the best part of her week, something that kept her going in her darkest times. Rey sometimes wondered why he hadn’t settled down. When they had broached the subject, he’d said he was still waiting. She hadn’t told him that so was she. But that she knew in her heart it would never happen for her. She didn't get to have good things. Everything always ended.

Ben walked around the counter, coming to stand in front of her. He was even taller this close up and she couldn’t stop herself from wondering if she would have to stand on her tiptoes to kiss him. She’d never find out, of course, but it didn’t stop the dreams from coming.  

“How are things at home?” he asked, his voice taking on a serious tone.

He asked her this every week and the answer was always the same. 

“Usual.”

Rey didn’t know how else to elaborate. What could she say? Nothing had changed. Nothing would ever change. Neither of them ready to put the work in. What was the point? She didn’t plan to be here that much longer anyways.

Ben looked sad as his left eye twitched. It did that sometimes and she wanted to reach out, hold his cheek in her hand and rub it gently. These urges were always so strong, but she knew better than to act on them. They would only bring pain, rejection…nothing.  

“Leave him.”

 “No.”

Another conversation over. She was good at doing that. She left no room for argument and Ben knew better than to argue with her over it. He’d tried it before. It hadn’t ended well. Instead, he nodded, then walked over to the vase of roses that were sitting on one of the tables, mindlessly arranging them.  

“You never told me how you came to own this place. I wouldn’t have pegged you as a flower lover,” she said, changing the subject instantly.

She noticed him sigh, but as always, he gave in, answering her question truthfully.

"I’m not. Well, I didn’t used to be. It was my mother’s, her pride and joy, actually. You know, sometimes I think she loved this little shop more than she did me; she spent enough time in it. When I was a boy she would teach me how to arrange the flowers. There was something about all the different colours merging into one that I found fascinating.” He took a deep breath, pulling a rose from the vase and placing it back in a different spot. “But, you know how it is, I grew up and then I grew disinterested with the whole thing. Until, until she passed. Cancer. Diagnosed five weeks before she died; stage four. She left this to me. Told me to put all my love and joy and happiness into it. She said it would help me, make me feel again. Leia, my mom, she was right, of course. So, here I am,” he said, like it was so simple. 

A small tear escaped Rey’s eyes, which confused her as she hadn’t cried in months. She’d forgotten what it felt like, to really feel. She didn’t hate it, but she didn’t particularly like it either. She thought of the small boy, with big ears and an even bigger smile, enjoying arranging all the different flowers. It made her heart swell. The pieces all coming together and finally making sense of why he owned this shop. 

“She would be proud of you.”

“I don’t know about that…”

“I do. The shop is always busy, your bouquets are to die for, honestly, you are doing so well.” And she meant it. He really was. He had his life together, unlike her. She wished she could be good for him, be normal.  

“I appreciate that, Rey, more than you know. Thank you. She would have loved you.” He looked sad, but hopeful, sincere.

“Your mom?” she asked, already knowing the answer.

“Yes. Leia was her name. You have the exact same spunk that she did. I wish you could have met.”

He picked another rose out of the vase, this time bringing it over and offering it to her. A blush fanned her cheeks and she looked down at the flower in his hands. It was beautiful, the petals a deep red that reminded her of Valentine’s day, of love… the richness that came with passion. She didn’t want it, no matter how gorgeous it looked in his hands.

She shook her head before she replied, “You know what I want.”

She wasn’t going to change her mind now. The one, single daffodil would be more than sufficient. The meaning behind it holding such significance to her. Ben nodded and walked over to pick her the flower of her choosing, taking his time to make sure he got the best one.

Rey bent over to pick her bag back off the floor, searching for her purse.

“It’s on the house. Don’t say I never gave you anything,” he whispered, motioning for her to put the purse back inside her bag.

“I couldn’t…”

“Yes, you can. I am not taking your money, Rey. We are friends, are we not?” He was close again, so close that she could smell the deep, masculine aroma that spoke more to her than all the floral scents combined.

“We are. I hope we are.” Her voice was small, unsure.

“We are. So, I can give my friend a free flower, can I not?” He was gazing deep into her eyes, the sincerity behind them almost making her knees give way.

“You can.”

He smiled, his hand rising to her face to gently wipe away the tears that were now free falling down her face. She felt foolish for feeling this way, wondered if maybe her period was due or something, anything but facing the fact that the real reason she was crying, was that Ben put a spanner in the works when it came to thoughts of her impending suicide.

Normally, when she pictured it, she didn’t really care how people would feel after she died, she knew no one would care. But Ben, telling her she is his friend, opening up to her…she imagined him finding out, she knew he would be upset.

She just hated knowing that she was going to cause him pain.

She needed to end this, and sooner rather than later.

* * *

 

_I have decided to leave you forever_

_I have decided to start things from here_

_Thunder and lightning won't change what I'm feelin'_

_And the daffodils look lovely today_

_And the daffodils look lovely today_

_Look lovely today_

 

All time low. That was the only was she could describe it.  Her week had gone from bad to worse. Hux hadn’t even tried to hide the fact he was cheating on her. Sure, she’d known for a while, but to have it all there, out in the open and him show no remorse just cemented that she meant nothing. It was with some woman from his work, not that she even really cared. Apparently she was tall, blonde, a hard worker…everything Rey wasn’t.

That wasn’t the worst thing though, the worst was that she had thought about Ben all week. How sad he would be. The closer they became, the harder this was going to be. The more attached to him she was coming to feel. And she couldn’t let that happen. She couldn’t be vulnerable and put herself out there just to be hurt all over again. He was better without her. Everyone was. 

Which was why, today, she had decided would be the day she would end her life. She wouldn’t be a burden to anyone any longer. She would be free. And in all honesty, she liked the sound of that. 

Ben wouldn't have to take pity on her every Tuesday. She wouldn’t arrive with their usual cups of coffee this morning and he would probably wonder where she went, but he wouldn’t search, he would get over it quickly and it was better that way. He would meet the love of his life, settle down, have children and continue to arrange his flowers, living a happy and full life without her. He deserved it. He deserved the world. 

She got up from the bed she shared with Hux, though he wasn’t sleeping in it. She didn't even care where he had been sleeping the past few days. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered. She would be gone in a number of hours and finally out of his life for good. She was just glad she didn’t have to say goodbye. It made things even easier, too easy, in fact. 

She put on her favourite socks; they were bright pink and had a red chilli cartoon on them with googly eyes that said “hot stuff”, she had bought herself them on a good day. She liked to think they were getting worn, especially today. Not giving much thought to the rest of her outfit, she got ready, early, just like she did every other Tuesday. There was no point in changing much of the routine now. This wasn’t a big deal to her. She had been planning it for so long.

Rey had one last look around the place she lived in. There was no point calling it a home; it hadn’t been. She sighed, not caring that this would be the last time she would see that ugly sofa, or the horrible dark blue walls. In fact, she was happy to see the back of it. 

“Thanks for nothing,” she said to the empty space, not bothering with her jacket and leaving her purse, phone and keys behind. She had no need for them now. 

Rey quickly checked her walk as she made her way to the street, it was raining and for that, she was happy. It was just past six am and she knew that Ben would be expecting her any minute. She felt a small slither of guilt at that, but quickly moved on, making her way down the empty streets. 

She didn’t rush, instead taking the longest route possible to the train station, making sure she skipped going down the street Ben’s shop was on; there was no way she would have been able to walk past it without looking in, and then she knew as soon as she saw him, standing there looking as good and sincere as he always did, that she would change her mind. 

A few people smiled at her warmly as they passed her on their way to work, but it was still too early for the usual hustle and bustle.

Rey looked up at the train station; it was the one she had been abandoned at as a child and it was fitting that she would abandon her own life here. It gave her a sentimental feel about the whole thing. She came here often, wondering why her parents had picked here to leave her. 

Anyone could have found her, but they hadn’t cared enough to worry about that. Luckily, a woman working there had found the basket, taking her to the police. She’s been lucky, she supposed. 

As she looked around, she was happy there was no one at the track. This line was never too busy, the trains that ran on it were destined for outside the city. Besides, she wasn’t sure she could have gone through with it if other people were around. This was personal, and her decision only. 

She had given up completely. Too tired to try and fight anymore. Her life was about to be over and she couldn’t wait for the freedom that came with it. She imagined floating, flying away like the birds she used to watch when she was a young girl. The way they clapped their wings, flying for pillar to post always soothed her, and it worked its magic now. 

She took a deep breath and walked closer to the side of the track before looking at her watch; the train was due in under a minute. 

“This is it. Don’t chicken out now,” she said softly, her small hands in fists at her side as she closed her eyes, listening for the train coming closer. 

Her toes were half-off the edge of the platform and she started to hum, a tune which her old foster parent had sung to her before she fell asleep at night; one of the better foster parents. 

She peeked her eyes back open to see the train almost there. One deep breath, then another…she went to jump, her knees bent slightly…she was about to be free. 

“Rey?! Rey? Oh thank god, Rey!” 

She quickly pulled back, the whoosh from the train passing by her so quickly that she briefly wondered if it had hit her. Her head whipped to the side and there she saw it…the most hopeful and beautiful thing she had ever seen in her life. 

Ben Solo, running down the platform with an entire bouquet of daffodils in his hand.

* * *

 

 _Through your eyes I can see the disguise_   
_Through your eyes I can see the dismay_   
_Has anyone seen lightning?_   
_Has anyone, looked lovely?_   
_And the daffodils look lovely today_   
_And the daffodils look lovely today_ _  
_Look lovely today

 

“Ben?” She could scarcely believe it—that he was here, in front of her, his face red from the exertion of running.

“Rey,” he choked out, his eyes teary as he finally reached her. “I thought, I thought I was too late and fuck, thank god I made it. Thank god.”

His hair was soaked, drops of water falling off the edges and onto his white shirt. It seemed he also had decided to forgo a jacket and she wanted to smile at how ridiculous they both must look. 

“How did you know? How did you find me?”

It didn’t make any sense to her. She hadn’t spoken to anyone in days. She had none of her belongings, she hadn’t even passed his shop. 

“You didn’t turn up this morning. You always turn up. And I started to worry. And I just _knew_. I had this horrible feeling in my stomach and I remembered you saying about this station…”

“I didn’t think you were listening.”

“I was _always_ listening, Rey, to every single word. You said you had thought about jumping off here before, the place you were left all those years ago. I know you don’t want to hear it, you always stop me, but this time I’m stopping you,” he said quickly, his words rushing out. 

He looked sad, but relieved. The emotion he felt present all over his face. It made Rey’s head spin, because, for the first time in her life, she felt like someone actually cared about her. The feeling was beautiful, life changing… _everything_. 

The tears were now leaving her own eyes, the feelings she had been repressing bubbling to the surface. Ben Solo was here and he cared. 

“Ben—”

“No,” he interrupted, “Let me speak.”

Rey nodded, giving him the opening to continue. He would always let her vent away without ever voicing his own opinion, too scared to hurt her, so it was only fair that she now gave him that chance. 

“You don’t see how special you are, Rey. You go about life thinking no one cares, no one understands. But I do. I’ve always understood. You are not alone. Not with me. You walked into my life and gave it meaning and I promise, with everything I have in me, that if you let me, I’ll give your life meaning too.”  He was breathing harshly, his mouth moving nervously after his omission. 

Rey couldn’t quite believe it; she had never been enough for anyone. Especially not a man like Ben Solo. She had always believed he was unattainable, not hers to have. 

“I’m going to get you the help you need. We will do it together. I know you think there is no way out, but I want to show you there is. In all this darkness, I will find your light, Rey. No matter what it takes. I won’t give up on you,” he said softly, bringing his free hand up to wipe the tears from her cheek. 

“You’ll help me?” Her voice was barely above a whisper, needing confirmation that what he said was true. That this was actually happening. 

“With anything. And to start, here, take these,” he replied, handing her the bunch of daffodils in his hand. 

“Why not just the one?” 

“A bunch resembles rebirth, new beginnings and ensures happiness. And that’s what I want for you. What do you say, Rey? We walk away from here today and start anew?”

She smiled, lifting the flowers up to her nose and taking in the beautiful scent. She felt hope, she felt positive…she felt like she wanted to live to see tomorrow and that, that was what mattered. 

“Thank you, Ben. I think I like the sound of that.” 

He held his hand out, an offering of all that he would give her and without hesitation, she accepted. It didn’t mean she was better, it didn’t mean that the road ahead wasn’t going to be long and hard. It just meant that she was ready to fight for her life, with Ben by her side. 

 

_Look lovely (look lovely)_

_Look lovely (look lovely)_

_Look lovely (look lovely)_

_Look lovely (look lovely)_

_Look lovely (look lovely)_

_Look lovely (look lovely)_

_Look lovely (look lovely)_

_Look lovely (look lovely)_

_Look lovely_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This was a very heavy topic for me to write, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Alba, I hope that you liked it too.
> 
> Thank you for reading xx


End file.
